The Mistakes Different Personality Types Make In A Relationship And How To Manage Them

“By developing individual strengths, guarding against weaknesses, and appreciating the strengths of other types, life will be more amusing, more interesting, and more of a daily adventure than it could possibly be if everyone were alike.” 

— Isabel Briggs Myers

The above quote holds true when it comes to relationships. We all have our own share of strengths and weaknesses, where we sometimes choose to ignore the latter and indulge in blame games with our significant others. 

The Myers-Briggs® Personality Type Indicator or MBTI® is a renowned assessment designed to identify the personality type, preferences and strengths of an individual. Inspired by Carl Jung's theory of personality types, the mother daughter duo of  Katherine Briggs and Isabel Myers had developed this questionnaire. At present, the Myers-Briggs® Personality Type Indicator is one of the most popular psychological instruments globally.

But, before that we would like to explain some of the basic terms used in this inventory. 

The MBTI® instrument defines four pairs of opposite personality traits called dichotomies: These MBTI® dichotomies are:

1. Extraversion E or Introversion I
2. Sensing S or Intuition N
3. Thinking T or Feeling F
4. Judging J or Perceiving P

• Extraversion E or Introversion I

It’s the orientation where we focus our attention and get energy from. For example, extroverts get their energy from the outer world and interaction with people, while introverts get it from self-reflection. 

• Sensing S or Intuition N

These categories are defined according to the way we take in information and the kind of information we like and trust. Sensing types are those who focus on verifiable facts, present realities, and their sensory experiences. On the other hand, Intuition types see the hidden element in everything, e.g. insights, future possibilities, and the big picture.  

• Thinking T or Feeling F

Thinking people make their decisions based on unbiased, impersonal, and objective logic, whereas  Feeling types of people make their decisions based on emotions, empathy, personal priorities and relationships. 

• Judging J or Perceiving P

Judging types want that the external world should be organized properly and should appear in order.  The Perceiving types seek to experience the outer world as it is. They don’t want to organize it.

Now, take for example two polar opposite personality types, ESFJ (i.e. Extraversion Sensing, Feeling, Judging)  and ISTP (Introversion, Sensing, Thinking, Perceiving). If a typical ESFJ, spontaneous and outgoing, thriving amongst people and parties were to drag their ISTP partner to every event or party, it would drive them up the wall. They would feel drained, wanting to disappear for days or weeks at a time. This could be a factor driving a wedge between the two. 

Hence, if you have hit a rough patch in your relationship, analysing the quirks that caused the same is a great way to address the issue head-on. According to the Myers-Briggs system, the greatest areas of conflict exist between the Feeling-Thinking and Judging-Perceiving dichotomies. 

Both these dichotomies represent where we place our focus in conflict and how we respond to conflict respectively. Thus, the last two letters of a personality type i.e TJ, TP, FJ, and FP have been deemed the conflict pairs.  

• FJ Preference 

FJs are viewed as warm, caring and empathetic. FJs view conflict as a negative experience and it tends to arise when their core values are being challenged. Their intention is to assure that their relationships remain intact post resolving conflict.

 

	ISFJ	INFJ	ESFJ	ENFJ
Your Achilles Heel	Neglecting your own needs Your kind and helpful nature makes you put your partner’s needs above your own. As you are shy and reserved, it makes it hard to voice out your emotions.	Not believing in giving second chances You are a private person and slow in trusting your partner. Investing too much of your emotional energy in a relationship can be exhausting.	Too sensitive You are caring and loyal. But your desire to be needed and loved, stemming out of your own insecurity, can overwhelm your partner.	Too pushy and controlling Even if you come from a place of love and caring, the constant need to check up on your partner may appear as clingy.
How to address it head-on	Try to speak up more for yourself in order to avoid a huge emotional blowout.	Do not set impossible standards for yourself and  try to hear your partner before immediately shutting them out.	Work on accepting and dealing with your own quirks and try to take criticism in a positive manner.	Instead of being in a constant state of worry, take a deep breath and accept the way things are rather than trying to control it.

 

• FP Preference 

FPs are viewed as sensitive, attuned to people’s needs and committed to their own values. For FPs, conflict tends to involve something they are passionate about. They do not rush to resolve conflict as their intention is to have everyone’s opinions and feelings respected. 

 

	ISFP	INFP	ESFP	ENFP
Your Achilles Heel	Struggle to deal with criticism Your quiet and introverted persona shrouds you in mystery and your defensive attitude towards accepting criticism creates discord between you and your partner.	Holding your partner to high standards Being caught up in feelings, you tend to put your partner on a pedestal. You set yourself up for disappointment if they are unable to meet your set expectations, which can cause you to become frustrated and alienate them.	Being too impetuous   Your fun, bold and free-spirited attitude can cause you to be reckless and impulsive, leaving your partner confused and lost.	Trouble in committing You have the tendency to get bored rather quickly. You crave for a relationship with passion and intensity.
How to address it head-on	Do not keep everything to yourself. Take criticism as an opportunity to learn and grow.	Lower your expectations of perfection in a relationship and reflect upon chasing this false idea.	Focus your energies on being more self-aware and think things through before making a decision.	Understand that stagnancy and stability in a relationship is not a threat to your freedom in any way.

 

 

• TJ Preference 

TJs are viewed as being decisive, organized, critical and logical.TJs view conflict as a challenge and it tends to arise due to trust issues. Their intention is to achieve closure or resolution post resolving conflict.

 

 

	ISTJ	INTJ	ESTJ	ENTJ
Your Achilles Heel	Set on following the rules You are super logical and rational in your approach to things, even relationships. As you are hell-bent on sticking by the rules, you are unable to pick up your partner’s emotional cues.	Come off as judgemental You are rational, determined and a critical thinker but when it comes to expressing feelings, you lack appreciation towards the same. Your brutal honesty and harsh judgment may hurt your partner.	Come off as a bit cold     Your rational attitude and your need to be right might cause you to ignore what your partner is saying or feeling.	Not forgiving Being something of a perfectionist, you desire efficiency. In doing so, you can put too much pressure on your partner to get things done correctly, causing friction in your relationship.
How to address it head-on	Avoid rigidity and leave room for other sets of rules or values to be assimilated in your way of living. Do not solely focus on facts all the time.	Learn how to talk about your feelings the right way while being considerate about your partner’s feelings as well.	Relinquish a bit of control and pay attention to the emotional needs of your partner.	Be more forgiving and willing to work through issues rather than just burying them.

  

• TP Preference

TP’s are viewed as rational and objective. They stick to what they believe is right and are stubborn in the face of conflict. For TPs, conflict tends to arise due to issues with authority. TPs wish to see progress post resolving conflict.

 

	ISTP	INTP	ESTP	ENTP
Your Achilles Heel	Letting other people in As you are comfortable living an unstructured lifestyle, you do not wish to be strapped down by anything. The lack of commitment could affect your relationship.	Resistance to other’s opinions If your views do not match with your partners, you are quick to dismiss the same. You tend to provide more logical solutions even for the problems that do not call for it.	Bored too quickly Dynamic and full of surprises, you get bored way too easily and being entertained is more important than having emotional intimacy with your partner.	Too demanding In order to keep things fun and interesting, you constantly want to do something new, that can come across as demanding and a little harsh, and stress out your partner.
How to address it head-on	Work on opening up emotionally and stay in the present.	Try seeing the world through your partner’s lens to get a sense of where they come from. Work on your ability to connect with them on an emotional level.	Slow down your pace and be more introspective.	Take your time to stay in the moment and show your willingness to stick around and support your partner instead.

 
No two people in a relationship are the same. Ignoring your flaws or not being aware of them can cause inevitable conflicts and can turn the euphoria in a relationship into dysphoria. However, conflicts also play a major positive role in relationships, allowing people to communicate their feelings, settle their differences and arrive at solutions. 

That’s where MBTI® assessments can prove to be a game changer. Personality assessments using the MBTI® tool can help in transforming your outlook towards these mistakes and help strengthen your relationship. With VedArdha providing a framework for couples to understand and nurture their relationship, turn conflict into cooperation and connection by embracing your personality differences.